did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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