If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
