Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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