the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
