I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
