New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
