I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
