How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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