Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
My ass is underappreciated
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
