I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I have aggressive nipples.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
