the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
My liver just had a heart attack.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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