end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Randomize
