Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
