i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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