If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
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