he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
