never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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