The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
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