we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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