I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
