I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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