Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
