you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
