Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Randomize
