After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
