She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
