i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Holy sore nipples Batman
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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