i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
