My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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