And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
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