My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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