captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
