Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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