I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
they're like a gay fantastic four
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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