Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
