just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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