She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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