My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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