I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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