nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
