Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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