where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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