He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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