Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Randomize
