party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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