I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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