I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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