Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
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