your room smells of hookers.
And success
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
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