I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
